One Night Stands
I have a warm fondness when I recollect the series of short-term experiences I’ve had with people whose names I cannot remember, whose faces I would not recognize. My journey of ~Sexual Liberation~ began with a clunky Olympic dive into the deep end of body-to-body engagement (aka, I had a lot of sex with a lot of different people on many different occasions). I was faced with some truths about myself… I love attention, I love touch, I love secrets and intimacy and magic and one-on-one interactions, I quickly realized that dating was like choreographing my perfect blend of ingredients.
Most of my One Night Stands were alcohol-infused; the “liquid courage” inspired action that perhaps wouldn’t have been acted otherwise. As I leaned into consent conversations, I became wildly aware that there were two different stories happening. And in such a realization came the almost daunting understanding that perhaps I had not been in my full consensual self for many, many years. This is a pretty big thing to hold. Because no, I don’t think I would’ve had sex with John, Joey or Jessica if I was sober. And yes, I think I was attempting to meet the desire for attention, touch, secrets, intimacy and magic with casual sex. AND…
I would love to rewrite this for anyone else struggling to hold their own actions that may not have totally aligned with your truest desires and boundaries.
One Night Stands were my practice arena. I learnt what my hard No’s were, I learnt what excited me and interested me. I learnt about polyamory, about kink, about presence. I learnt about bodies and desire. I learnt about looking at people and their homes and seeing them in ways that you do not get to see people otherwise. I did not have access to understanding that there were other ways and interactions to have my desires met that I didn’t require me to become slightly inebriated in order to engage in full-on sexual activity with someone I had only known for a few hours.
I didn’t know this until I actually received the Sex Education that was never given to me prior. I had conditioned myself to Sex First, than Intimacy. I know this because I went through Surrogate Partner Therapy training in which building intimacy came first, sex after… And it was SO HARD FOR ME. I faced so many of my own internal struggles when I did not have the option to dive into the deep end first. AND. The space given to not jump into the deep end, allowed me the opportunity to actually stop and listen to my body and what my desires actually were.
I love all of the bodies I have ever engaged with. Those who I can recall easily and fondly, and those who I honestly could not tell you more than two details about. I appreciate the expanse of how much information I gained from these interactions. I stand where I am now, someone who professionally engages in intimate spaces and relationships with a huge variety of people, and I’m like “OF COURSE”. Of course I was so compelled by sex and intimacy. Of course I didn’t have much desire to move slowly.
I envision landscapes of time that are not linear. I imagine myself now, so deeply steady and playful in all of the ‘in-between’ moments of intimate connections, calling my younger self into these interactions… like that question that goes around: What advice would you tell your younger self? (And I feel all sorts of expectations that I would begin to criticize my actions instead of lovingly support a version of myself that was learning)… but this is what I would say:
“Hey! Caitlin [that was my name then]… this feels fun and exciting, eh? The novelty of engaging naked with someone new. Go ahead, girl. PLAY. Get it. It might not be great all the time, but those are the juicy moments of learning. You get to learn what it feels like to create a boundary and hold it. You get to learn what it feels like to vocalize your expectations and hold yourself accountable to them being met or not. What a gift! This path you are on is leading you somewhere incredible that only keeps getting better. Notice the resistance around you, but pay it no mind. You know who you are and you know how to be with the choices you make. I love you.”
