About pleasure

Content Warning: i mention briefly the many variations of what can interrupt experiences of pleasure: trauma, shame, guilt, capitalism, colonialization, sexual assault, chronic illness, disability, pregnancy, childbirth/c-sections, addictions, death

i often will talk about the privilege of pleasure that has existed in my life.

i stand in many spaces as a ‘pleasure educator’ and in doing so i am standing in a celebration of the pleasure that i am able to feel run through my body at the trace of a finger, the orgasmic energy rattling up and down my spine in waves when i experience sexual pleasure, the trance states of deeply embodied eroticism. it has taken me some undoing to feel the guilt about having access to such beautiful gifts in my body, as this pleasure, i have learned, is not so easily accessible to other bodies.

so let’s talk about the privilege of pleasure.

i grew up feeling safe in my home, for the most part. my family had it’s fair share of dramatic undertones that occasionally would emerge from the world of ‘adult-land’ and impact my nervous system in the hushed tones and worried expressions, but nothing actually ever happened that shook my nervous system over the edge. i slept in a warm home that my mother loved to decorate and curate. i ate nutritious food that was always in bountiful supply. i had clothes i enjoyed wearing, i felt safe to start exploring online dating at the ripe young age of 17. in a nutshell: i felt really safe navigating my desires in this world. of course, my Polish-Welsch ancestry is relevant to my experiences of feeling safe in the world. as is my able-bodiedness, my “desirability,” my access to education, and living as a “white” person in Canada (the benefits of which do not apply to the Indigenous communities that this land was stolen from), and a strong family unit that I knew I could lean on if I ever needed to.

i often will use the concept of a bank account as an analogy for this…

i hear “i don’t know how I would ever get to the place you are at… pleasure feels eons away.” and this is so deeply relevant to everyone’s individual journey. i started with money in my account. i had a whole childhood and teenagehood where i was making continuous deposits into my pleasure bank account. so that when i turned 27 and my life was suddenly open to the world of somatic sex education, i was ripe for it.

for folks who have not had this pleasure privilege, the sense of continued safety in their own homes and bodies, the privilege to navigate relationships, sex, and dating at earlier stages in life, access to information and support, or maybe did have all of those things but also had a myriad/or one of the following: shame and/or guilt about pleasure, big “T” or little “t” trauma (emotional, sexual, relationally problematic relationships, any mis-directionality of care [parent expecting or requiring care from children], physical health disruptions that impact access to pleasure (chronic illness, disability [depending on the person, this one may have more to do with access than ability], surgeries, pregnancy, childbirth/c-sections, accidents, etc.), experiences of sexual assault, the Very Real impact of colonialization on your country and culture, histories/current experiences with addictions (drug use, but also including: porn use, food, exercise, devices, any use of anything repetitively to distract away from the sensation of the feelings your body would feel otherwise), the grief associated with the death of loved ones, the forced ideals of capitalism as a mindset that pushes you out of your body and into your head in attempts to survive in this economy.

all of these things, and i’m sure a whole other list of things that have not been mentioned here, are factors that may play into your ability to be present in pleasure, to even notice that pleasure is happening. it may just feel like your bank account is in overdraft. that you keep trying to make deposits (be present, breath, try to touch yourself mindfully, allow your partner to engage with you, kiss that person, dance, etc) and it may feel like still nothing is happening.

and this is just to say that if you keep going, someday something will shift. it may not happen from practicing what you are currently doing, but setting the intention to live your fullest most embodied and pleasure-filled life, will continue to open doors as to how to get there.

somatic sex education is one of those doors.

in ease and savouring,

Casia